Thursday, 5 April 2012

#R2BC - Becoming a Mummy Again!!!

7 Years ago today, I became a mummy again and this time it was a pink bundle of joy. But whilst DD1 was my second born child, she was my 3rd pregnancy!

My 2nd pregnancy stopped abruptly at 13wks and ended with me  haemorrhaging and being air-lifted to hospital. (I wrote about my miscarriage here as part of the Mumsnet Miscarriage Campaign).

I found out I was pregnant with DD1 when we were camping in the lake district, our first ever family camping trip (and the first time hubby and I went camping together as well) and for most of the week it rained! But whilst we were there I realised my period was late, so without telling hubby I sneakily bought a pregnancy test and when it turned positive I suffered a wide range of emotions, I was thrilled I was pregnant again as I'd only miscarried a few weeks earlier but I was still grieving for the baby I lost, I didn't want to be starting all over again, I wanted to be almost 20 weeks and almost past the halfway stage. I also had to get used to being pregnant again as I'd only just gotten used to not being pregnant!

The pregnancy sailed by, I had no morning sickness and I didn't quite seem as tired as I had with my son... which considering I was chasing around after a toddler as well as being pregnant was a surprise! I was struggling to find reliable childcare for my son as I was relying on family members to help out, but they would cancel at the last minute and for the first time in my life I found myself as an unreliable member of staff (I was working as a support worker with social services, working with adults and children with special needs in the community and supporting them and their parents with Independent living) so I took the decision to give up work and become a SAHM (something I'd always wanted to do anyway as I hated working and just wanted to be home looking after my son where I believed a mum should be!)

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I began to get worried about how big the baby was going to be as my bump seemed huge! It also dropped about a month before she was born, as her head engaged early. Whenever I mentioned my concerns to my midwife, I was told they didn't think the baby was going to be that big, they expected her to be around her brother's 8lb 13oz weight. 

My due date came and went and there was no sign of the baby and one day short of being a week late I went to see my consultant. Again I mentioned my concern about the size of my baby, but again I was told they expected her to be around her brother's size and the consultant was willing to leave me another week before inducing me but gave me a membrane sweep that afternoon. By now I had also been pregnant for about 55wks with a 2wk gap if you included the miscarriage so I was very very fed up and just wanted her out!

The following morning, about 10am I began to get pains as I went into labour. It wasn't too bad to begin with and finally that afternoon I went to hospital. I was admitted to L&D and given an epidural at my request and it was brilliant. I could still move my toes and although I didn't feel any pain I could feel my tummy tightening with every contraction!

Eventually it came time to push, and one thing that no one ever warns you about, is sometimes when you are pushing, a baby isn't the only thing that you push out (much to my embarrisment but the midwife took it in her stride and said it happens sometimes). 

Unfortunately DD didn't want to budge... She was happy where she was and decided to become a squatting tenant that my body was trying to evict! After an hour of pushing I was taken to theatre where they gave me an emergency c-section. Even though I was numb from my neck down, somehow I felt them tug her out and it hurt! Her head had engaged early, like I'd suspected, and also facing sideways so she was showing the largest part of her head and had become wedged in my pelvis and without the section there was no way she could have moved down the birth canal.

The rest of the operation passed in a blur and to this day I swear the first shout I heard was "It's a boy!" 

When the midwife brought her over to me for the first time, she said.
"Are you ready for a shock?... She weighed 10lb 14oz!" So much for her weighing the same as her brother, she was a full 2lb 1oz heavier!!!

Afterwards there was a lot of commotion and I felt very lightheaded and might even have passed out as I  haemorrhaged. Then when I came too and started feeling better I remember lying in the recovery room, all alone, trying very hard not to cry with silent tears streaming down my face. I wanted my baby, I had seen her for all of 2 seconds and I wanted to hold her and know she was ok and try to nurse her, but she wasn't with me!

Eventually, 2 hours after her birth I finally got to see her and hold her and I was shocked at how big she was. She was 57cm long and 10lb 14oz with a head circumference of 36.5cm. I nursed her and she guzzled quite happily before the medical staff came in and gave me the bad news. I needed a blood transfusion and they wanted me to go to ITU for the night for observation. They offered to bring the baby in to me when she needed feeding and I made a decision that still today I regret, I told them to keep her in the nursery and feed her a bottle because I didn't want to disturb the other ITU patients with a crying baby!

That night I didn't get much sleep, I was sore and in pain and missing my baby. Hubby bless him stayed with me but all I wanted was my baby1 The following morning hubby brought her in to see me with colourful balloons fastened to her cot and a big pink teddy sitting by her feet. I quickly held her and nursed her, I was glad that we had finally been reunited but I still wasn't quite with it.

Eventually I was moved back onto the Maternity Ward and began to recover, I just wish I could say the same for DD. She caught an infection and needed I.V Antibiotics and jaundice which meant she needed the bili light. I was also very tired and when the midwives asked if I wanted them to take her to the nursery I agreed happily as all I wanted to do was sleep. It took me at least two days before I began to bond with DD and actually wanted her with me all the time and wanted to do more for her. Yet through all this I was still trying to breastfeed, but then one day I spent ALL day with her nursing and then still seemed hungry so I offered her a bottle and she quickly drank 2oz. I was so disheartened as I hadn't been able to breastfeed her brother and took this as a sign I wasn't meant to breastfeed because my boobs were to large. The hospital let me down here as they never offered to send a lactation or breastfeeding supporter or expert, I saw no one and in fact one of the midwives suggested that because of her tough delivery and my blood transfusion that maybe it had affected my milk and that was why she didn't want it! The paediatrician wasn't happy I had stopped breastfeeding and wanted me to carry on, but by then I didn't care and had just decided that breastfeeding wasn't for me as my boobs were too big!!!

DD under the bili light with her brother watching.
You can get an idea of her size by how much she fills the cot

Finally, after a week, DD had recovered from the jaundice and the infection and I had recovered from my section and we were allowed home! I wish I could say it was easy from then, but poor DD started throwing up after a feed. She would drink her bottle and no matter how much I winded her afterwards, she would bring most of her feed back up with projectile vomiting. It got so bad that no one wanted to hold her and we were both running out of clean clothes every day! At 2wks old, poor DD's weight had dropped from 10lb 14oz to 10lb 2oz and we were sent back to hospital where she was diagnosed with reflux and we were told to try her on a different formula which was a little gentler on the stomach, so she started having that formula which did make a difference and luckily I was able to get on prescription, but she was still quite a sickly baby who would throw up after every bottle, but not as much as she began to put on weight. 

I sometimes look back at her birth and I find myself feeling guilty, especially after one of the midwives told me that her first night she had cried all night (she probably had a headache from being pulled out of my pelvis, if I felt it she definitely did!) and I wish I had thought "Too hell with the other patients" and told them to bring her to me! Maybe establishing breastfeeding early would have helped with the breastfeeding and no doubt it would have comforted her with her pain. I also feel guilty that it took me a few days to bond with her, with my other children I wouldn't let them out of my sight when they were born but with her, I just wanted to sleep and didn't care! I worry now still that there is something between us, that I'm not as close to her as I am to her siblings and I wonder if its because of all this and is that why her behaviour is worse than her siblings! I guess feeling guilty is a part of being a parent, but if I could have a makeover day that would be the day I would choose and I would have made a lot of different choices!!! But one thing is for certain. I wouldn't change my daughter for the world! She is why I am cheerful, as I wouldn't be without her, she brings a joy to my heart as I see her learning and conquering new things and my heart melts when she puts her arms around my neck and tells me she loves me!

This is my reason's to be cheerful this week. Why don't you share you're reasons why you're feeling cheerful. Even if everything seems to be going wrong, look for the silver lining and you'll find something cheerful and feel better for it! Then when you've posted why you're feeling cheerful, pop back and add your post to the linky below. Don't forget to check the other posts to see why everyone else is feeling cheerful and remember to comment as everyone loves comments and to know people are reading their posts!


Post a Comment